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Author:	host	Created:	Thursday, June 05, 2008
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Watch Your Margins!

By Doreen Amatelli on Monday, September 28, 2009

Last week, my son who’s in middle school came home with a writing assignment corrected by his English teacher. In the margins were red marks with both positive comments and feedback on how to improve his paper. Ugh! How I hated getting those red marks from teachers when I was in school. But like it or not, teachers are trying to do the right thing by providing much needed feedback on the writer’s own language/thought development and the way the writer expresses those thoughts.

Like writing in the margin of an English paper, we all could stand to be in the margin of our lives once in a while. Often we get swept up in our own stories forgetting about the margins. We get so wrapped up in our thoughts (T), Emotions (E) and Actions (A) (or TEAs) that we can’t see straight. We’ve been thinking, feeling and acting in certain ways for so long that we don’t realize they’ve become unconscious, they’ve become our identities.

By spending some time in the margins, we can witness our TEAs; take notes and analyze the manuscript of our lives. If you have ever worked with a coach or therapist, or even talking about problems with a friend, it’s like being in the margin. It’s slightly outside our selves, on the fringe of our lives looking in.

How often do you spend time in the margins of other people’s lives? When you judge other people or try to understand their behaviors, you are in the margin of their lives, taking notes, asking questions, observing them, drawing conclusions. Why not use that same strategy in your own margins?

Counseling, therapy, NLP, journaling, coaching are all great catalysts to help us become witnesses to our own thought patterns and how those thought patterns connect to our emotions and actions. But first we need to: 1) become aware of our own patterns of thoughts, emotions and actions and their interconnectedness, and 2) realize that we all have the ability and “responsibility” to make desired changes in our lives. That’s the big a-ha!

Here’s an example of how spending time in the margin of my own life, helped me to shift to a more resourceful state.

At a recent speaking engagement, I was feeling anxious and scared about presenting the next day. I didn’t feel I was prepared enough (or that’s what I was telling myself). Having practiced being in the margin in different areas of my life and work, I could easily recognize the trigger of anxiety that was starting to build in me as I thought about presenting the next day. I could observe how my thoughts of being unprepared fed my feelings of stress and fear, while the stress and fear fed my thoughts of being unprepared and inadequate.

I tested the limits to see how quickly my thoughts and emotions spiraled down to fear, anxiety and panic. And also witnessed those thoughts and feelings travel in the other direction upward as I explored feelings of ease, connection and clarity. What I noticed was that the fearful feelings were feedback that drove me away from my goal and the abundant, expansive feelings drew me closer to my goal. Although the latter was much more challenging, I was able to focus more on the good feelings (clarity, ease, and flow).

How was I able to shift? - by simply allowing the feelings of stress and anxiety to “be”. I wasn’t trying to “get over it” but to just experience that feeling and hold it to see what happens. I found I was able to disconnect the yucky, anxious feelings from the thoughts of being unprepared and reverse the direction upwards to thoughts that said, “You are prepared and if you forget what to say, don’t worry, you are good at thinking on your feet.” These thoughts fed better feelings like easiness, comfort and centeredness.

If you are just starting out with being in the margin, there are many exercises you could do such as a regular practice of relaxation or meditation. Any practices that can slow down the mind will help condition it to become a witness to thoughts, emotions and actions and reveal just how busy the mind actually is.

By carving out some time in our busy schedules to witness our TEAs, we can glean insights about ourselves, what we are doing well as well as what we would like to improve.

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3. Develop a Strong Mental Mindset

Caution! Obstacles and Roadblocks Ahead

By Doreen Amatelli on Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Watching my son's ice hockey practice (all 9-10 year old boys) I recently observed an interesting drill. Each player would skate in a figure eight on the ice while stick-handling to keep the puck in control. This all seemed very normal and challenging on its own merit.

However, the coach added a higher level of difficulty which, I thought, would make or break the players' spirits. As the players skated around, the coach would pick up full-sized, bright orange caution cones (you know the ones you see on highway construction sites) and throw them at the players!

Let me paint a little picture for you. These cones are nearly half the size of most of these young boys, many of whom have trouble skating on their skates as it is. As a parent, you could probably guess I was at first shocked at the seemingly aggressive nature of this drill.

But, as I watched the players fall down, get back up again, skate some more and laugh, I saw how they learned to anticipate, use their peripheral vision, strengthen their stance to resist being knocked down, skate out of the way and avoid a cone as it came flying at them and most of all be excited, engaged and have lots of fun.

I realized what a great metaphor this drill is for real life. Some real life "caution cones" that can get in your way can include illness, car breakdowns or transportation delays, job offer rejections, lost jobs, sales or customers, low income flow, going off your healthy diet, etc.

Whether you are focusing on the individual tasks and activities of your larger goals or just going about your daily routine, take a look at how you are handling those "caution cones" that get thrown at you.

Ask yourself...

a) Is this an "obstacle?" - a minor disruption that I can simply avoid or detour, or

b) Is it a "roadblock?" - a strong emotional charge or feeling, often negative about this situation, event, person that stops me from moving ahead

If your answer is an "obstacle", great! Keep doing what you are doing and look for another way around, over, under or through the obstacle. No worries, no anxieties, just take the detour.

If your answer is a "roadblock", that's common and can get in people's way, but it can be overcome. The following is called the SWISH Process (a popular NLP process) that can help you.

1- Take a few moments, close your eyes, and take a few slow deep breaths in and out.

2- Watch your "obstacle movie": Replay the situation including the obstacle, as if you were watching a movie, in your mind. What does the obstacle movie look like (visual)? What are the sounds (auditory)? What does it feel like in your body (kinesthetic)? How big/ how loud/how strong is it? Play it from beginning all the way to the end two times through.

3 - Choose a "powerful scene": Envision a scene when you feel the opposite of what you are feeling when faced with your obstacle. This can be a scene from a past situation or a potential scene from a future scenario, anything that gives you pleasant, joyful, wonderful feelings. Describe in your mind that feeling as fully and completely as you can... what are you doing, seeing, hearing, feeling? Make it as colorful, bright and big as you can.

4 - SWISH process: Rerun your original "obstacle movie" (from number 2 above) a third time, but right before the point where that yucky emotional feeling overtakes you, take a snapshot of that obstacle scene and hold it. Then envision a pinhole in the center of that obstacle scene and quickly see your "powerful scene" flash through that pinhole big and bright right in front of you.... Say "SWISH!" as your "powerful scene" overtakes your obstacle scene and fills you with all of those pleasant, wonderful feelings.

5- Repeat the SWISH process (number 4) three more times, each time getting faster, until you can only feel those pleasant feelings and not the yucky ones.

2a (Optional) - While you are running through your "obstacle movie", you can optionally ask that emotional charge what message it's trying to tell you? In other words, why do you think you are feeling this way about the situation/obstacle at this time? There may be lesson here that you need to hear or understand. Keep asking yourself this question over again. You may just get a glimpse of a memory, a symbol, anything. Once you have the message, the emotional charge may dissipate on its own. Then continue from number 3 above.

Repeat this process as many times as necessary. We don't have to let simple obstacles become emotional roadblocks preventing us from traveling on our road to success.

I hope you enjoyed this month's newsletter. I look forward to seeing/hearing you at one of my upcoming events.

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4. Take Consistent and Persistent Action

Gain Clarity and Focus in 2 Coaching Sessions, or less. Announcing Coach NOW! Laser Coaching Service

By host on Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Are you in a life or career transition?

If you are, you may be feeling:

fear about making the wrong decision

lost and unclear where to turn

overwhelmed by the significance of your decision

a sense of desperation or urgency to make a quick decision

confused and worried about which direction to take and lack a plan of action

Announcing my newest coaching service...

COACH NOW!© with Doreen Amatelli, Professional Certified Coach

A fast-acting, laser coaching service (1 or 2 sessions) where you can focus on your most pressing challenges and needs. Whether your issue is related to relationships, career or job, healthy eating or exercise habits, or even more, this coaching service may be just what you need.

In two(2) sessions or less, you will:

feel understood, supported and less lonely

feel a sense of hope

gain clarity for your next steps

find the strength and confidence to move forward and make the best decisions

If, after your purchased sessions you find that you need ongoing support, I can guide you toward the most appropriate coach for you for ongoing support

This service is NOT ongoing weekly coaching sessions. Just 1 or 2 laser focused sessions conducted over the telephone to help you refocus and regain clarity for your next steps.

To find out more and to sign up, go to www.waytogoal.com and Click on the tab "New-Coach NOW! Laser Coaching"

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Work Smarter, Not Harder

By host on Thursday, July 09, 2009

One of my former clients has agreed to allow me to share this excerpt of a recent coaching session.

Client: I have made great progress in some areas of my life but not in others. What I have truly realized, however, is the power of focus.

Coach: What do you mean the power of focus?

Client: I mean that whatever I put my attention to (e.g. job, family) for an extended period of time (days, weeks, months), that’s what develops and gets manifested in my life.

Coach: Wow! That sounds like you have an amazing ability to really make things happen in your life.

Client: Yes, in one way I feel confident that I am able to do this. On the other hand, it’s burning me out because it I need to exert a lot of mental effort in order to accomplish all the things I want to. Not only do I have to focus for a prolonged period of time on something but I have to change my focus often to be sure everything in my life gets done. I feel like if I let up for one minute, then the project won’t keep moving ahead or ultimately get completed.

Coach: Why do you think you need to work so hard putting forth this mental effort to accomplish all these things?

Client: I believe that the more hard work (effort) you put toward something, the greater the results and reward. And I want to do it all.

Coach: Hmmm… do you always have to put in so much effort for so long to reap the rewards?

Client: For the most part, yes. But there are some great things that have happened in my life for which I cannot explain how they occurred. I didn’t really put too much effort into them. I guess it was luck.

Coach: Luck? Or co-creation?
Let me explain. When you plant a garden, initially you put a lot of focus preparing the soil, planting the seeds and adding water. Once that’s done, you allow nature to take its course and thus shift your focus to other things in your life and less focus on the garden. After some time when you notice the seedlings breaking through the earth you shift your focus back to the garden for a period of time to tend to the weeding, fertilization, etc. That’s co-creating your reality. You are working in conjunction with other forces in the world to create what you want—i.e. a fruitful garden.

In what areas of your life are you similar to the client above...always putting so much effort and mental strain toward a project, your employee, your teenager, your spouse and never letting go?

What if you did let go? Shifting your attention completely away from it for awhile?

What do you think would happen? Would everything fall apart? Or would the other forces in the world step up and do its part to co-create your fruitful garden?

This week try letting go of just one thing that you’ve been focusing on. Maybe something that hasn’t given you the results you desire yet. Allow nature to take its course for one week then journal about what happens including your thoughts and feelings.

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Testing the Waters

By host on Tuesday, June 30, 2009

“...but, I have to be reasonable. I mean I can’t try to make a career for myself in something I have no experience in, right?” exclaims Bill.

I frequently get this type of comment. Many people who I come into contact with make similar comments. Without realizing it, they have already put limits on themselves before they even try.

Have you ever secretly fantasized about what it would be like to actually work in another profession? Some people have hidden passions to work in a line of work that is totally unrelated to their current careers or outward personalities.

A former colleague of mine who is an extremely analytical person who has taught statistics at the college level had a secret passion to be in the music business. Earlier this year, this individual decided he would try out his fantasy career and promote a significant musical performance here in the US for an internationally known artist of India. He and a minor partner organized and managed every aspect of this event from booking the artist, obtaining the venue, marketing, promotion, logistics, etc. for over 600 audience members. The interesting thing is he did this mostly all on his own while working full-time at a major healthcare corporation. And, to top it off, he actually made money on the event! Not bad for a first timer.

You may never know how much success is in store for you if you never try.

So, Bill (and all of you reading this article), you have every right to stay within your comfort zone. And you also have every right to test out a totally new profession. You can simply try it out on the side to see if it is something you may want to pursue further.

Here are some ideas for testing the waters of your fantasy vocation:

· Volunteer for an organization in the field of your choice

· Obtain a part-time or weekend position with a company or industry

· Work as an apprentice for someone in your desired profession

· Take a class or seminar related to your passion

· Write a complete story about what it would be like to work in your desired field

· Dedicate a brief period of time such as a vacation period, long weekend, or leave of absence from your current job to explore opportunities in your wanted career

· Schedule an “informational interview” or informal lunch with one or more individuals from an organization related to your beloved line of work

· Set aside a few weeks or months to work on the side of your current job

· Read books, journals, magazines and other literature related to your interest

· Join associations or organizations related to your trial profession

There are many more ideas that you may have. Try one and see what happens!

Copyright 2009 Doreen Amatelli. All Rights Reserved

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POWER OF HAPPINESS

By host on Monday, June 22, 2009

It has been known that anger, hostility and stress are associated with heart disease, asthma and other ailments. Is it possible that happiness can lead to a better life?

Recent science suggests that happiness can lead to good performance, better health, resilience and a long life. According to one study conducted by Professor Ed Diener from the University of Illinois, happy people live longer than depressed people by approximately 9 years!

“I’ll be happy when… ”. Most people assume that success or achieving a certain outcome in the future will make them happy. But a review of over 200 studies by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky suggests that it’s usually the other way around. Happiness tends to make people more successful in terms of fulfilling relationships, high incomes, superior work performance, community involvement and robust health.

How do you increase your happiness? The three main ingredients for a person to be happy are:

1) Having deep relationships with family and friends

2) Believing in something bigger than yourself (e.g. religion, spirituality, philosophy of life)

3) Having goals that you strongly believe, that utilize your strengths and abilities and that you find enjoyable.

This month, choose one of these three elements to work on to improve your overall happiness. It just might change your life!

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Your Future May Be Behind You

By Doreen Amatelli on Monday, January 26, 2009

Have you ever expected an upcoming event to be wonderful only to have it turn out to be disappointing, or worse? Conversely, have you ever feared or stressed about a future event only to find out that it wasn’t as bad as you had once imagined? Think about it.

Recently I had an opportunity to visit some places I had gone to on vacation when I was a child, like Hershey Park, PA. I have childhood memories of a magical place with a huge, picturesque amusement park, street lights shaped like Hershey Kisses that stood high above the ground, and key chains and other souvenirs that smelled like chocolate heaven.

I went back with the hopes of offering a similar experience to my family, and I experienced something quite different. It was a noisy amusement park with less of a picturesque backdrop and a strong commercial atmosphere where souvenirs of every shape, size and variety of Hershey’s chocolate imaginable are found on an entire floor of Hershey’s Chocolate World. I found it interesting that despite my disappointment, my family and I had a wonderful time. Why were my experiences so different? What had changed?

The difference is in our perspectives or perceptions. What is real for children seems imagined to adults. Things that appear to be huge at one time can turn out to seem so small later on. Try this to see how you can apply this...

What is the one thing that seems to be the biggest fear, barrier or problem facing you right now—your boss, money, your family, boredom, etc.?

Project yourself into the future (e.g. 1 week, 3 months, or 5 years) looking back on your problem you were faced with today.

How does this problem appear to you from the future? What feelings come up when you imagine this problem from the future perspective?
How does this situation appear if the situation was over or the problem solved? What feelings come up when you imagine it from this perspective?

Journal your insights or talk with a trusted friend or coach about your experiences.

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5. Continuously Learn and Adapt

Aligned to Win For Life

By Doreen Amatelli on Monday, January 26, 2009

What would you do if you won the lottery? Would you pay off your bills, take a trip, buy a car, share it with family or charity? Then what…maybe invest some of it? What would you do next? Think about it... what if you truly had no more money issues?

What would you do to fill up your time? It’s a nice dream, isn’t it? The freedom that we often associate with landing such a shot in the dark opportunity seems so enticing. What would you do with it… the freedom, I mean? According to various studies of past lottery winners many people end up going back to work, just to feel useful. What if these people felt a larger purpose for being, a mission or life passion? Then they could use that gift of freedom to conduct activities that were in line with their life passions or missions.

So, why wait for the lottery to live your passion or mission. Why not start shifting from doing inauthentic activities to more authentic ones. Authentic activities are those that are in closest alignment with your purpose for being. Inauthentic activities are out of alignment.

How do we shift from less authentic to more authentic activities in our careers without going broke? For those of us who are essential breadwinners in our households this doesn’t appear easy or possible to achieve. Have you ever tried it? Do you know anyone who has? You probably think I’m crazy for even suggesting it’s possible to earn a living doing more of what you love and less of what you don’t.

I’m here to say I’m living it, but I don’t for a second believe I am so different from anyone else. I truly believe it is due to the driving force behind my actions... my passion/mission. My actions are ways that I strive to express my mission in all aspects of my life. Yes, I do falter and come up against unforeseen challenges, but I ask myself how I can view them as breakthroughs to another level of attaining better clarity around my mission and perhaps new ways to express that mission.

I know that underneath the fears and doubts that come up from time to time, we are all here on this earth for a purpose. That nagging desire to discover and live your mission will keep you on course to live each day as if you had that winning lottery ticket!

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2. Design Your Future Dream Life Portrait

Crossing the Stream

By Doreen Amatelli on Monday, January 26, 2009

Have you ever tried to walk across a small stream in the woods using the stones that lie randomly in the water? Your purpose may be to get to the other side, but you focus on each and every step you take on your path. You look for stones that are visible, within reach and have the ability to bear your weight. With each next step you repeat the same process.

Your eyes stay down intently focused on the next closest stone. Occasionally you look up to judge if you are headed in the direction of your goal, and you adjust your course if necessary. You may not always be able to take the shortest path because there aren’t enough solid stones in which to step.

Once you are several steps out you notice how far you’ve come. You question whether you should continue or go back. But, the path to get back may seem just as unclear as what lies ahead. You move on, being cautious of loose rocks that might wobble as the current gets stronger and deeper. But, you persevere knowing that each step is a step closer to your goal.

Finally you reach your goal and a great sense of achievement washes over you. You celebrate your success and continue on your journey with more enthusiasm and confidence.

Perseverance—defined as “a steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement” (Dictionary.com)

How often do you set out on a goal and freeze when faced with obstacles and give up? But are you really giving up?

When you freeze in the face of a challenge it’s like being stuck in the middle of the stream not sure if you should continue, or even how to continue, or go back.

When you are stuck in the middle of your stream, take a moment to ask yourself, ‘What would be the outcome if I were to go back?’
‘How would I feel if I were to give up my goal?’

Then ask yourself,
‘What would be the outcome if I were to continue on?’
‘How would I feel if I were to achieve my goal?’

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4. Take Consistent and Persistent Action

Take a Time Out... From Your Mind

By Doreen Amatelli on Monday, January 26, 2009

When I was growing up my father would often help me with my homework, as parents often do. When faced with difficult math problems or deciding on a topic for an English paper, I would become very frustrated. The more frustrated I got the worse the situation became. My dad had an interesting way of coaching me through this. Instead of forcing me to concentrate more, he advised me to step away from the table, go in the other room or take a walk outside to clear my head. He assured me that upon my return to the problem at hand I would have my answer. This much needed “mind time-out” was usually all it took to overcome the current challenge.

Our minds enjoy thinking of past and future events, especially in business. We are constantly planning for the future and reflecting on the past to prevent future mistakes. This process works well, but many times it can overshadow the significant benefits a brief “mind time-out” can reap. Taking a break from the continuous “mind chatter” can help to propel us forward with less struggle.

Quiet your mind.

How often do you just rest your mind? Can you sit for several minutes with a quiet mind or do your thoughts continue to race— thinking of what you need to do the rest of the day, tomorrow, or next week?

Try this test. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Take a slow deep breath in, hold for 4 seconds and exhale slowly. Try not to think. When a thought comes in, visualize it in a bubble floating up and out of your mind. Continue putting thoughts in bubbles until your mind can remain quiet for a few minutes at a time.

With practice, you will be able to remain quiet for longer and longer stretches. At first, practice this exercise for a couple of minutes every morning. A great place for beginners is in the shower (that’s where this newsletter topic came to me one morning). As you are able to quiet your mind on command, you will benefit from being better able to overcome challenging, stressful situations as they arise.

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3. Develop a Strong Mental Mindset