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| Author: |
Doreen Amatelli |
Created: |
Tuesday, July 08, 2008 |
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| Techniques to strengthen your mind including meditation and other mindfulness techniques |
By Doreen Amatelli on
Monday, September 28, 2009
 Last week, my son who’s in middle school came home with a writing assignment corrected by his English teacher. In the margins were red marks with both positive comments and feedback on how to improve his paper. Ugh! How I hated getting those red marks from teachers when I was in school. But like it or not, teachers are trying to do the right thing by providing much needed feedback on the writer’s own language/thought development and the way the writer expresses those thoughts.
Like writing in the margin of an English paper, we all could stand to be in the margin of our lives once in a while. Often we get swept up in our own stories forgetting about the margins. We get so wrapped up in our thoughts (T), Emotions (E) and Actions (A) (or TEAs) that we can’t see straight. We’ve been thinking, feeling and acting in certain ways for so long that we don’t realize they’ve become unconscious, they’ve become our identities.
By spending some time in the margins, we can witness our TEAs; take notes and analyze the manuscript of our lives. If you have ever worked with a coach or therapist, or even talking about problems with a friend, it’s like being in the margin. It’s slightly outside our selves, on the fringe of our lives looking in.
How often do you spend time in the margins of other people’s lives? When you judge other people or try to understand their behaviors, you are in the margin of their lives, taking notes, asking questions, observing them, drawing conclusions. Why not use that same strategy in your own margins?
Counseling, therapy, NLP, journaling, coaching are all great catalysts to help us become witnesses to our own thought patterns and how those thought patterns connect to our emotions and actions. But first we need to: 1) become aware of our own patterns of thoughts, emotions and actions and their interconnectedness, and 2) realize that we all have the ability and “responsibility” to make desired changes in our lives. That’s the big a-ha!
Here’s an example of how spending time in the margin of my own life, helped me to shift to a more resourceful state.
At a recent speaking engagement, I was feeling anxious and scared about presenting the next day. I didn’t feel I was prepared enough (or that’s what I was telling myself). Having practiced being in the margin in different areas of my life and work, I could easily recognize the trigger of anxiety that was starting to build in me as I thought about presenting the next day. I could observe how my thoughts of being unprepared fed my feelings of stress and fear, while the stress and fear fed my thoughts of being unprepared and inadequate.
I tested the limits to see how quickly my thoughts and emotions spiraled down to fear, anxiety and panic. And also witnessed those thoughts and feelings travel in the other direction upward as I explored feelings of ease, connection and clarity. What I noticed was that the fearful feelings were feedback that drove me away from my goal and the abundant, expansive feelings drew me closer to my goal. Although the latter was much more challenging, I was able to focus more on the good feelings (clarity, ease, and flow).
How was I able to shift? - by simply allowing the feelings of stress and anxiety to “be”. I wasn’t trying to “get over it” but to just experience that feeling and hold it to see what happens. I found I was able to disconnect the yucky, anxious feelings from the thoughts of being unprepared and reverse the direction upwards to thoughts that said, “You are prepared and if you forget what to say, don’t worry, you are good at thinking on your feet.” These thoughts fed better feelings like easiness, comfort and centeredness.
If you are just starting out with being in the margin, there are many exercises you could do such as a regular practice of relaxation or meditation. Any practices that can slow down the mind will help condition it to become a witness to thoughts, emotions and actions and reveal just how busy the mind actually is.
By carving out some time in our busy schedules to witness our TEAs, we can glean insights about ourselves, what we are doing well as well as what we would like to improve.
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By Doreen Amatelli on
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
 Watching my son's ice hockey practice (all 9-10 year old boys) I recently observed an interesting drill. Each player would skate in a figure eight on the ice while stick-handling to keep the puck in control. This all seemed very normal and challenging on its own merit.
However, the coach added a higher level of difficulty which, I thought, would make or break the players' spirits. As the players skated around, the coach would pick up full-sized, bright orange caution cones (you know the ones you see on highway construction sites) and throw them at the players!
Let me paint a little picture for you. These cones are nearly half the size of most of these young boys, many of whom have trouble skating on their skates as it is. As a parent, you could probably guess I was at first shocked at the seemingly aggressive nature of this drill.
But, as I watched the players fall down, get back up again, skate some more and laugh, I saw how they learned to anticipate, use their peripheral vision, strengthen their stance to resist being knocked down, skate out of the way and avoid a cone as it came flying at them and most of all be excited, engaged and have lots of fun.
I realized what a great metaphor this drill is for real life. Some real life "caution cones" that can get in your way can include illness, car breakdowns or transportation delays, job offer rejections, lost jobs, sales or customers, low income flow, going off your healthy diet, etc.
Whether you are focusing on the individual tasks and activities of your larger goals or just going about your daily routine, take a look at how you are handling those "caution cones" that get thrown at you.
Ask yourself...
a) Is this an "obstacle?" - a minor disruption that I can simply avoid or detour, or
b) Is it a "roadblock?" - a strong emotional charge or feeling, often negative about this situation, event, person that stops me from moving ahead
If your answer is an "obstacle", great! Keep doing what you are doing and look for another way around, over, under or through the obstacle. No worries, no anxieties, just take the detour.
If your answer is a "roadblock", that's common and can get in people's way, but it can be overcome. The following is called the SWISH Process (a popular NLP process) that can help you.
1- Take a few moments, close your eyes, and take a few slow deep breaths in and out.
2- Watch your "obstacle movie": Replay the situation including the obstacle, as if you were watching a movie, in your mind. What does the obstacle movie look like (visual)? What are the sounds (auditory)? What does it feel like in your body (kinesthetic)? How big/ how loud/how strong is it? Play it from beginning all the way to the end two times through.
3 - Choose a "powerful scene": Envision a scene when you feel the opposite of what you are feeling when faced with your obstacle. This can be a scene from a past situation or a potential scene from a future scenario, anything that gives you pleasant, joyful, wonderful feelings. Describe in your mind that feeling as fully and completely as you can... what are you doing, seeing, hearing, feeling? Make it as colorful, bright and big as you can.
4 - SWISH process: Rerun your original "obstacle movie" (from number 2 above) a third time, but right before the point where that yucky emotional feeling overtakes you, take a snapshot of that obstacle scene and hold it. Then envision a pinhole in the center of that obstacle scene and quickly see your "powerful scene" flash through that pinhole big and bright right in front of you.... Say "SWISH!" as your "powerful scene" overtakes your obstacle scene and fills you with all of those pleasant, wonderful feelings.
5- Repeat the SWISH process (number 4) three more times, each time getting faster, until you can only feel those pleasant feelings and not the yucky ones.
2a (Optional) - While you are running through your "obstacle movie", you can optionally ask that emotional charge what message it's trying to tell you? In other words, why do you think you are feeling this way about the situation/obstacle at this time? There may be lesson here that you need to hear or understand. Keep asking yourself this question over again. You may just get a glimpse of a memory, a symbol, anything. Once you have the message, the emotional charge may dissipate on its own. Then continue from number 3 above.
Repeat this process as many times as necessary. We don't have to let simple obstacles become emotional roadblocks preventing us from traveling on our road to success.
I hope you enjoyed this month's newsletter. I look forward to seeing/hearing you at one of my upcoming events.
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By Doreen Amatelli on
Monday, January 26, 2009
Have you ever tried to walk across a small stream in the woods using the stones that lie randomly in the water? Your purpose may be to get to the other side, but you focus on each and every step you take on your path. You look for stones that are visible, within reach and have the ability to bear your weight. With each next step you repeat the same process.
Your eyes stay down intently focused on the next closest stone. Occasionally you look up to judge if you are headed in the direction of your goal, and you adjust your course if necessary. You may not always be able to take the shortest path because there aren’t enough solid stones in which to step.
Once you are several steps out you notice how far you’ve come. You question whether you should continue or go back. But, the path to get back may seem just as unclear as what lies ahead. You move on, being cautious of loose rocks that might wobble as the current gets stronger and deeper. But, you persevere knowing that each step is a step closer to your goal.
Finally you reach your goal and a great sense of achievement washes over you. You celebrate your success and continue on your journey with more enthusiasm and confidence.
Perseverance—defined as “a steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement” (Dictionary.com)
How often do you set out on a goal and freeze when faced with obstacles and give up? But are you really giving up?
When you freeze in the face of a challenge it’s like being stuck in the middle of the stream not sure if you should continue, or even how to continue, or go back.
When you are stuck in the middle of your stream, take a moment to ask yourself, ‘What would be the outcome if I were to go back?’
‘How would I feel if I were to give up my goal?’
Then ask yourself,
‘What would be the outcome if I were to continue on?’
‘How would I feel if I were to achieve my goal?’
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By Doreen Amatelli on
Monday, January 26, 2009
When I was growing up my father would often help me with my homework, as parents often do. When faced with difficult math problems or deciding on a topic for an English paper, I would become very frustrated. The more frustrated I got the worse the situation became. My dad had an interesting way of coaching me through this. Instead of forcing me to concentrate more, he advised me to step away from the table, go in the other room or take a walk outside to clear my head. He assured me that upon my return to the problem at hand I would have my answer. This much needed “mind time-out” was usually all it took to overcome the current challenge.
Our minds enjoy thinking of past and future events, especially in business. We are constantly planning for the future and reflecting on the past to prevent future mistakes. This process works well, but many times it can overshadow the significant benefits a brief “mind time-out” can reap. Taking a break from the continuous “mind chatter” can help to propel us forward with less struggle.
Quiet your mind.
How often do you just rest your mind? Can you sit for several minutes with a quiet mind or do your thoughts continue to race— thinking of what you need to do the rest of the day, tomorrow, or next week?
Try this test. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Take a slow deep breath in, hold for 4 seconds and exhale slowly. Try not to think. When a thought comes in, visualize it in a bubble floating up and out of your mind. Continue putting thoughts in bubbles until your mind can remain quiet for a few minutes at a time.
With practice, you will be able to remain quiet for longer and longer stretches. At first, practice this exercise for a couple of minutes every morning. A great place for beginners is in the shower (that’s where this newsletter topic came to me one morning). As you are able to quiet your mind on command, you will benefit from being better able to overcome challenging, stressful situations as they arise.
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By Doreen Amatelli on
Monday, January 26, 2009
When my son was about 2 years old I took him to his daycare center where he had been going for about a year. One day we visited the new toddler room that he would be attending the following week. He hesitated to walk into that new room and held tightly onto my hand (which was quite unusual behavior for him). It took him several minutes before he would let go and explore his new surroundings.
My practical mind told me that he was just being an average child who is cautious about entering a new environment. His intuition was most likely telling him that this new room was not going to be a nice place. For nearly one year, he cried almost uncontrollably each day I left him there. It broke my heart as I rationalized it away saying that he must be going through a stage since other children cried as well. Later on, I found out that many of the other parents also had concerns and subsequently pulled their children out of that daycare. Since then, I pay more attention to the times when my son shows apprehension in a new environment.
Intuition is the internal sense that one receives about an idea, decision, person, place, etc. Many times it comes as a “gut feeling” or a sense of discomfort and at first glance we can’t figure it out. This intuition is sending us a message that many times is often misinterpreted or ignored completely. In Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Blink” the author suggests that many decisions can and should be made based on our “snap conclusions” (or intuition) since our ultimate decisions would most likely yield the same result.
How do you use your intuition at work? Work (business especially) is thought to be very practical. Decisions are typically based on sound research, analysis, preparation and then implementation and follow up. Does intuition have a place in the workplace and where might it be? Can it be a gauge for our decisions?
The next time you are faced with a work related decision (preferably one that has two or three options), try this:
1) Think of one of the options and notice the immediate sensation you get when you think of it. (It could be strong or light or even a tingling sensation)
2) Notice where in your body this sensation is. Is it in your gut? chest? throat? hands? face?
3) Try to name the feeling that comes along with that intuition. Do you feel fear? anger? nausea? elated? excitement?
4) Repeat from step 1 holding the other option in mind
5) Decide which option feels better relative to the other (s). This may be slightly different for everyone and each situation. The option that brings more feelings or deeper feelings of lightness, ease or peace is generally the more effective decision.
The more you practice this the easier it will be to notice the sensations and make the most effective action!
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By Doreen Amatelli on
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
 A client of mine was being harassed on a daily basis about an issue related to a personal relationship. He was being harassed not by anyone in particular, but by a voice inside his head and the nagging/sick feeling that often accompanied it. The relationship issue weighed heavily on his mind and although he tried he could not find any relief nor see any reasonable solution to his problem.
After going through the following exercise called “The Perfect Day Technique”, he captured a glimpse of a small light at the end of the tunnel and was able to take action after months of stagnation.
If you are struggling with a voice or nagging issue, you may want to try this exercise. The best time to try this is either before you go to sleep at night or just before getting out of bed in the morning. You may want to tape record yourself or have a trusted friend or coach guide you through this process.
1) Find a quiet area where you know you can't be disturbed for 15-20 minutes.
2) Take a few deep breaths in and slowly release each one. Starting at the top of your
head, relax each muscle in your body. You should be in a very relaxed state.
3) Start the tape (or have someone guide you). Imagine you have just woken up from a very
restorative sleep. During that sleep something magical has happened. Whatever problem
you are faced with has been completely solved overnight. You don't know how it happened,
but it did. You awake with a feeling that everything has been solved without a doubt.
* What do you see, hear, feel around you?
* What are you thinking?
* As you go through your day, where do you go?
* What do you do?
* Who is there?
* What are they doing/saying?
* What are you doing/saying?
* What else do you notice?
* What are you feeling? (specifically name the feelings in your mind).
4) When you believe you have been detailed enough in your description, slowly take a deep
breath in and release. Slowly open your eyes. As soon as you can, write down or talk
about what you experienced. Be as specific as possible.
(This exercise is property of the Institute of Professional Empowerment Coaching, 2001).
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By Doreen Amatelli on
Friday, June 20, 2008
 Have you ever had a true balance between your work and your life outside of work? I’ve heard many people use the term “work/life balance” over and over again as they struggle to find it. I have heard it most often used when a person wants to work less and spend more time with their family.Is obtaining, or more importantly maintaining, that “balance” truly possible? And what are we trying to balance between? When I think of trying to achieve a “balance” between work and life, I often feel frustrated that I have to constantly make choices between working and having a life! Does this mean that when I’m at work, I don’t have a life? And, conversely, when I am living then I am not working? This sounds a bit crazy to me. Just look at your to-do list for any given day. I bet you have some to-do’s that are work related and some that are personal and both need to get done today.
Here is a metaphor that comes to my mind when I think of the myth of “work/life balance”. Think of a see-saw at a playground where one person sits on either side. As one person propels him/herself up the other one goes down and vice versa. If you have ever been on one, you know how difficult it is to balance the see-saw and keep it steady - it’s nearly impossible. Even if you do balance for a fleeting moment, trying to maintain it for more than a couple of seconds is futile. The very fact that the see-saw moves up and down is what makes it fun! Life, is not static. Life is movement, growth, change.
Let’s compare the perspective of work/life “balance” with a different perspective called work/life “flow”.
1. First, imagine work/life “balance”
- Ask yourself what balancing feels like?
- What images come to mind?
- What are you thinking to yourself?
- What are you feeling when you are balancing?
- How long do you stay in balance?
2. Next, imagine being in “flow”
- Visualize your work-life and personal-life as being in “flow” with each other.
- What images come to mind?
- What are you thinking to yourself?
- What are you feeling?
- How long can you maintain this flow?
3. Repeat
- Go back and forth between these two perspectives until you can see a difference.
- Which one do you prefer?
- Which one feels better or less stressful?
- Jot down your thoughts to help you sort this out and log any action items you might want to pursue.
Now, the next time someone tells you they are having a tough time finding the holy grail called “work/life balance” you can offer them a different perspective.
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